1. I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and put them in my mouth.
    ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
  2. Freedom is hammered out on the anvil of discussion, dissent, and debate.
    Hubert H. Humphrey
  3. The cigarette is a portable therapist.
    ~Terri Guillemets
  4. I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
    Mark Twain
  5. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
    Woody Allen
  6. Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
    Oscar Wilde
  7. Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.
    ~Jean Kerr
  8. The only time to buy these is on a day with no "y" in it.
    Warren Buffett
  9. It is sometimes necessary to lie damnably in the interests of the nation.
    Hilaire Belloc
  10. My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
    Spike Milligan
  11. Philosophy is possible as a rigorous science at all only through pure phenomenology.
    Edmund Husserl
  12. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
    ~Red Buttons
  13. Kids spell love T-I-M-E.
    ~John Crudele
  14. Everyone thinks they're going to write one book of poems or one novel.
    Marilyn Hacker
  15. You that would judge me, do not judge alone this book or that, come to this hallowed place where my friends' portraits hang and look thereon; Ireland's history in their lineaments trace; think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was I had such friends.
    William Butler Yates
  16. Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
    H. L. Mencken
  17. "I knew when my career was over. In 1965 my baseball card came out with no picture."
    Bob Uecker
  18. We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
    Thomas Jefferson
  19. "I used to weep because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes."
    Dave Barry
  20. People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
    Ellen DeGeneres
  21. I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
    W. C. Fields
  22. A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit.  It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.
    ~Charles Lamb,
  23. "You know why they call it golf, don't you? Because all the good four-letter words were already taken."
    Lewis Grizzard
  24. The business schools reward difficult complex behavior more than simple behavior, but simple behavior is more effective.
    Warren Buffett
  25. The validity of a doctrine does not depend on whose ox it gores.
    Robert Jackson
  26. Yet few slaveholders seem to be aware of the widespread moral ruin occasioned by this wicked system. Their talk is of blighted cotton crops - not of the blight on their children's souls.
    Harriet A. Jacobs
  27. A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
    Bob Hope
  28. We enjoy the process far more than the proceeds.
    Warren Buffett
  29. We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry.
    William Butler Yates
  30. Whenever I was upset by something in the papers, Jack always told me to be more tolerant, like a horse flicking away flies in the summer.
    Jackie Kennedy
  31. We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and to be greedy only when others are fearful.
    Warren Buffett


    1. I rant, therefore I am.
      Dennis Miller
    2. The impersonal hand of government can never replace the helping hand of a neighbor.
      Hubert H. Humphrey
    3. I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
      Mark Twain
    4. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
      Bill Cosby
    5. An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
      Will Rogers
    6. He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
      Zsa Zsa Gabor
    7. "When Steve (Carlton) and I die, we are going to be buried in the same cemetery, sixty feet, six inches apart."
      Tim McCarver
    8. There seems to be some perverse human characteristic that likes to make easy things difficult.
      Warren Buffett
    9. "On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright Moron."
      -- H. L. Mencken, 1920
    10. Charity creates a multitude of sins.
      Oscar Wilde
    11. I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
      Paula Poundstone
    12. You're only has good as your last haircut.
      Fran Lebowitz
    13. Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.
      Thomas Jefferson
    14. Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.
      Abraham Lincoln
    15. Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
      Henry David Thoreau
    16. I don't look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over.
      Warren Buffett
    17. In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.
      Hubert H. Humphrey
    18. The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
      Franklin P. Jones
    19. If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem. You may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some of the people all the time; but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.
      Abraham Lincoln
    20. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
      Abraham Lincoln
    21. Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.
      Josh Billings
    22. Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
      H. L. Mencken
    23. Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
      Will Rogers
    24. It is not possible to arrange for any broadcast of any Supreme Court proceeding, but when you get the Cabinet meetings on the air, call me.
      Warren E. Burger
    25. What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
      Fred Allen
    26. I never attempt to make money on the stock market. I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five years.
      Warren Buffett
    27. He didn't even have the satisfaction of being killed for civil rights. it had to be some silly little Communist.
      Jackie Kennedy
    28. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
      W. C. Fields
    29. A politician never forgets the precarious nature of elective life. We have never established a practice of tenure in public office.
      Hubert H. Humphrey
    30. I am back in the courtroom as a defense attorney. In fact, my first court appearance in a felony case as a defense lawyer was in front of guess who?
      Christopher Darden


      1. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
        Mark Twain
      2. Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing.
        Warren Buffett
      3. If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.
        ~Haim Ginott
      4. If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
        ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
      5. "It's all very well in practice, but it will never work in theory."
      6. It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.
        Warren Buffett
      7. Don't worry about polls, but if you do, don't admit it.
        Rosalynn Carter
      8. I'll have to have a room of my own. Nobody could sleep with Dick. He wakes up during the night, switches on the lights, speaks into his tape recorder.
        Pat Nixon
      9. The investor of today does not profit from yesterday's growth.
        Warren Buffett
      10. Perhaps no place in any community is so totally democratic as the town library. The only entrance requirement is interest.
        Lady Bird Johnson
      11. Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
        H. L. Mencken
      12. Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to.
        Oscar Wilde
      13. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues
        Abraham Lincoln
      14. If past history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians.
        Warren Buffett
      15. A newspaper reported that I spent $30,000 a year buying Paris clothes and that women hate me for it. I couldn't spend that much unless I wore sable underwear.
        Jackie Kennedy
      16. Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
        Will Rogers
      17. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
        Emo Philips
      18. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
        Ashleigh Brilliant
      19. "There are moments when, even to the sober eye of Reason, the world of our sad humanity must assume the aspect of Hell"
        Edgar Allan Poe
      20. "Why did you do that? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!" ---When a friend told him he named his son Sam.
        Samuel Goldwyn
      21. I wonder if anybody does anything at Oxford but dream and remember, the place is so beautiful. One almost expects the people to sing instead of speaking. It is all... like an opera.
        William Butler Yates
      22. I never let schooling interfere with my education.
        Mark Twain
      23. Rule No.1: Never lose money. Rule No.2: Never forget rule No.1.
        Warren Buffett
      24. Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
        - Mary Ellen Chase
      25. The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
        - Burton Hillis
      26. A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
        P. J. O'Rourke
      27. "The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy."
        Jim Rohn
      28. You only have to do a very few things right in your life so long as you don't do too many things wrong.
        Warren Buffett
      29. If you have learned how to disagree without being disagreeable, then you have discovered the secrete of getting along - whether it be business, family relations, or life itself.
        Bernard Meltzer
      30. War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory.
        Albert Pike
      31. We can afford no liberties with liberty itself.
        Robert Jackson