1. none
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  7. "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
    Yogi Berra
  8. "Who are you going to beloeve? Me, or your own eyes?"
    Groucho Marx
  9. Abraham loncoln became America's greatest Precedent. - from Student Bloopers
  10. It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolosh.
    Aeschylus
  11. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
    Mark Twain
  12. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
    John Kenneth Galbraith
  13. I tell you, I don't get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, 'Basement?'
    Rodney Dangerfield
  14. It's wonderful to be famous as long as you remain unknown.
    Edgar Degas
  15. You can tell there's a flu bug going around. Even the nonsmokers are coughing.
    Maxim
  16. Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
  17. Having imagination it takes you an hour to write a paragraph that if you were unimaginative would take you only a minute.
    Franklin P. Adams
  18. Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
  19. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
    from Student Bloopers
  20. Of course I celebrate President's Day. I celebrate any day the mail carrier doesn't bring bills to my house
    Maxim
  21. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  22. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
    Abraham Lincoln
  23. Gentlemen, include me out.
    Samuel Goldwyn
  24. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
    Johnny Carson
  25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  26. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  27. Reality is an illusion caused by a lack of alcohol.
  28. A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
    H. L. Mencken
  29. "I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way."
    Mark Twain
    he means me - GM
  30. My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. -
    Woody Allen
  31. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.



    1. A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
      Will Rogers
    2. Whenever the people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them to rights.
      Thomas Jefferson
    3. The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
      William Butler Yeats
    4. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
    5. Whatever you are, be a good one.
      Abraham Lincoln
    6. I hate procrastinators and some day I intend to tell them so
      Maxim
    7. An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
      Samuel Goldwyn
    8. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
    9. "A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing"
      Oscar Wilde
    10. A fool and his money are soon elected.
      Will Rogers
    11. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
      Abraham Lincoln
    12. I got a mind of my own, and I don't mind giving people a piece of it now and then.Maxim
    13. Walkin' is better than running away And crawling ain't no good at all
      Willie Nelson - From the song 'Walking'
    14. Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
      ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
    15. "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."
      Dennis Wholey (1937-)
    16. Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field.
      Dwight D. Eisenhower, September 11, 1956
    17. All you have to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
      Johann Sebastian Bach
    18. You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
      Dave Barry
    19. The amount of education you have determines your loot in life.
    20. BUDGET, n:
           (1)An orderly system for living beyond your means.
           (2)An attempt to live below your yearnings.
    21. A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
      Will Rogers
    22. Experience is often what you get when you were expecting something else.
    23. Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
      Oscar Wilde
    24. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
    25. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
    26. "There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity."
      Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
    27. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy
    28. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.



      1. "Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so."
        Bertrand Russell
      2. Against abortion? Don't have one.
      3. Always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
        Oscar Wilde
      4. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
      5. It is part of the American character to consider nothing as desperate - to surmount every difficulty by resolution and contrivance.
        Thomas Jefferson
      6. A slip of the foot you may soon recover, but a slip of the tongue you may never get over.
        Benjamin Franklin
      7. Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
        - from Student Bloopers
      8. I too shall lie in the dust when I am dead, but now let me win noble renown.
        Homer, The Iliad
      9. Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
        Will Rogers
      10. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
      11. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
      12. SLEEP: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
      13. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
        ~Ambrose Redmoon
      14. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
      15. "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."
        Gustave Flaubert
      16. "I read part of it all the way through."
        Samuel Goldwyn
      17. "It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place."
        - H. L. Mencken
      18. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
        Woody Allen
      19. "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
        Hubert H. Humphrey
      20. An atheist is one who hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his disbelief.
        Franklin P. Jones
      21. I can't say I’m proud of all of the things that I’ve done; But I can say I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone
        Waylon Jennings
      22. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
        W.C. Fields
      23. Gentlemen prefer bonds."
        Andrew Mellon
      24. An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
        H. L. Mencken
      25. The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.
        ~Edgar Allan Poe,
      26. To make a million, start with $900,000."
        Morton Shulman
      27. Call no man foe but never love a stranger.
        Stella Benson
      28. If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
        Al Bernstein
      29. "Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."
        Benjamin Franklin
      30. A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan.
      31. Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
        Will Rogers